I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
