I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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