Redeem this text for a blowjob
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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