the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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