I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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