my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
