I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
