I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
