wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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