The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my shit smells like andre
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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