Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
