the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
