Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
