Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
