i permit you to call me
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
