I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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