i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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