well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
