he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
