You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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