i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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