hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
