I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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