I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
