My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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