Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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