omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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