I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
