matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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