Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize