awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
