Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
