he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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