so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
