just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
