The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
