Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
