My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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