I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
