remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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