I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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