You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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