Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
