id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
