shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
