sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
