I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
