Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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