well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
