Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
