What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
