I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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