I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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